About a week ago, I completed my first 200-hour yoga teacher training in the mountains of North Carolina with an amazing group of women. It was an emotionally intense and overwhelming weekend… to say the least. After graduating from the program, I thought I would feel this great sense of accomplishment and freedom. As it turns out, for me, it was quite anti-climatic… or rather, anti-what-I-thought-it-was-going-to-be-like. Instead, I found myself fighting to hold back a rush of tears, and at this point, I just couldn’t. So, I decided to sit with the tears as long as they kept flowing. After spending some time reflecting on this experience, I was able to gather a few of my thoughts.
Many people often think of yoga as a place where we can go to find calm and peace, serenity and refuge. While it does and can offer those things, many times it doesn’t. Often times it’s quite the opposite actually. It brings up all the underlying shit that you’ve been sitting on for years, hidden within the deep dark crevices of your being. It brings up old wounds that have been left unhealed or tended to. Scars that are still healing. The confusion and insecurity swirling around in our brains. You sit in pigeon long enough… and trust me, you’ll get there.
Why you may ask, do I love yoga so much… or…furthermore, why would I sit through 200-hours of gruesome soul searching that sometimes (many times) left me in tears?
Before yoga, I was a self-obsessed competitive athlete. Everything I did, every decision I made was centered around my longing to be the best. If I wasn't at my best, I hated myself. I abused my body with my thoughts and my words. I spent all my free time trying to figure out how to become better, how to shave off a few more pounds, a few more seconds, a few more years. I was always comparing myself to others, to the younger me, to the future me. I was never satisfied. On the outside, I did my best not to show these insecurities to anyone. I walked around with a thick cloud surrounding me, protecting me from the world. I was so obsessed with becoming the best that I never gave myself space to sit with hurt or pain or failure. I was always onto the next thing. “How can I get better?” “What do I need to do next?” “How can I fix my weaknesses?” These were the questions constantly swirling around in my head.
I found this attitude manageable and shiny. When I looked in the mirror I saw someone who was strong and resilient, and I was proud of that. Since yoga, I have uncovered huge bags of clutter hidden in all corners. Of course, my first reaction was to run away… tuck away the bags “I’ll come back to you later” is what I would tell myself. But then, I kept going to yoga. And my yoga mat left no room for running, no room for hiding. So, I was forced to sit with the shit. And I am so thankful.
Since yoga I have discovered that everything is not meant to be fixed or even healed. Life is not meant to be perfect or confusion free. And you know what… in the end, yoga has given me peace…peace with “what is”, peace with the shit, peace with the successes and the failures, the ups and the downs, the good days and the bad. Every day will not be a good day and that is okay. I cried uncontrollably during a time when many others were smiling and laughing, and that is also okay.
While I know my athlete mentality served me well in the past, yoga has taught me how to be alive and true in this moment and every moment. How to sit with the shit, and even dance with the shit…how to know that it is okay to be where you are without looking for the next best thing. I am so thankful for these things, and for my experience.
The yoga truly does make you fly, but it also helps you land and most importantly it helps you sit with what is.
Many people often think of yoga as a place where we can go to find calm and peace, serenity and refuge. While it does and can offer those things, many times it doesn’t. Often times it’s quite the opposite actually. It brings up all the underlying shit that you’ve been sitting on for years, hidden within the deep dark crevices of your being. It brings up old wounds that have been left unhealed or tended to. Scars that are still healing. The confusion and insecurity swirling around in our brains. You sit in pigeon long enough… and trust me, you’ll get there.
Why you may ask, do I love yoga so much… or…furthermore, why would I sit through 200-hours of gruesome soul searching that sometimes (many times) left me in tears?
Before yoga, I was a self-obsessed competitive athlete. Everything I did, every decision I made was centered around my longing to be the best. If I wasn't at my best, I hated myself. I abused my body with my thoughts and my words. I spent all my free time trying to figure out how to become better, how to shave off a few more pounds, a few more seconds, a few more years. I was always comparing myself to others, to the younger me, to the future me. I was never satisfied. On the outside, I did my best not to show these insecurities to anyone. I walked around with a thick cloud surrounding me, protecting me from the world. I was so obsessed with becoming the best that I never gave myself space to sit with hurt or pain or failure. I was always onto the next thing. “How can I get better?” “What do I need to do next?” “How can I fix my weaknesses?” These were the questions constantly swirling around in my head.
I found this attitude manageable and shiny. When I looked in the mirror I saw someone who was strong and resilient, and I was proud of that. Since yoga, I have uncovered huge bags of clutter hidden in all corners. Of course, my first reaction was to run away… tuck away the bags “I’ll come back to you later” is what I would tell myself. But then, I kept going to yoga. And my yoga mat left no room for running, no room for hiding. So, I was forced to sit with the shit. And I am so thankful.
Since yoga I have discovered that everything is not meant to be fixed or even healed. Life is not meant to be perfect or confusion free. And you know what… in the end, yoga has given me peace…peace with “what is”, peace with the shit, peace with the successes and the failures, the ups and the downs, the good days and the bad. Every day will not be a good day and that is okay. I cried uncontrollably during a time when many others were smiling and laughing, and that is also okay.
While I know my athlete mentality served me well in the past, yoga has taught me how to be alive and true in this moment and every moment. How to sit with the shit, and even dance with the shit…how to know that it is okay to be where you are without looking for the next best thing. I am so thankful for these things, and for my experience.
The yoga truly does make you fly, but it also helps you land and most importantly it helps you sit with what is.