After years of bashing my body for ‘underperforming’ while I was a competitive athlete, I finally came to retire only to start bashing my body for gaining weight immediately. To compensate, I started dieting, running, lifting weights, doing triathlons, anything that I thought would help me shed the extra pounds I had gained. I even tried a juice cleanse. I am not saying these things are bad (well except for the dieting), but I was doing it all for the wrong reasons and I wasn’t happy. I went in spurts, working out like crazy for 2 months and then doing nothing for the next 4. As you could imagine this led to a spiral of self-loathing leading to more unsustainable workout strategies. Essentially, I never lost any weight and I cried every time I looked at the scale.
Back in January, I walked into my first ever “yoga for healing body image workshop”. I had no idea what to expect, no idea what I would take away. All I knew was that I needed to be there, so I showed up.
In one of the first sessions I shared a fear, through tearful eyes “But what if I don’t make the right decision for myself? What if I choose to eat the ‘wrong’ thing? What if I just keep getting fatter?” The response, “So…what if you get fat?” “What are you so scared of Alana?” That day, I left with this looming question… what am I so scared of…? For weeks I couldn’t answer this, I wrote a journal entry… but ultimately I never found an answer. Not a real one anyway. What I found were layers and layers of “surface fears” of “what ifs” What if I get gain more weight? What if people talk about/judge/criticize me? What if I eat this hamburger and …? What if I stop exercising? What if I make all the wrong food choices? Life choices? Career choices? It was a never-ending merry go round of second guessing myself, and it was tiring and scary.
During the last session, the question was asked, “What was the overall thing you took away from this workshop?” I found myself staying quiet, mulling over the answer in my head. No matter which direction I took my thoughts, the same phrase kept coming up “From a place of LOVE… From a place of LOVE…”. I never shared this with the group, and at the time I didn’t know why…but as I sit down now to write this piece, I realize that I was holding back from a place of FEAR. Ironic, I know.
Finally it started to click in brain, there will always be a ‘what if?’ More importantly, I realized that if I kept making all my decisions based in fear, I would NEVER be enough of anything. Unfortunately, these days, I think we live in a culture that fosters fear and doubt, judgment, comparison and criticism. Especially when it comes to female body image. We are manipulated to feel like we need to reach outward for the answers in fad diets, exercise routines, fat burning pills… you name it, I’m sure it’s being marketed somewhere. I am finally beginning to realize and accept that these ‘answers’ lie within me AND within all of YOU.
I used to think that I wasn’t making the ‘right’ decision unless it led to me loosing weight, or getting faster, fitter, stronger, smarter or more productive. I was so fearful of what would happen if I didn’t do these things. Without fail, these decisions ALWAYS led to burnout, fatigue and ultimately disappointment in myself. Now, with the help of many wise souls and deep soul searching, I can truly say that I am comfortable. I no longer weigh myself because it doesn’t matter. So what if I gain weight? So what if I lose weight? So what if I eat that cheesecake? As long as I am making decisions for my body from a place of LOVE, I know it is the right thing to do in that very moment, and it might change the next day or week or year and that is great too. I have finally come to the realization that, no matter what, it is always better to make decisions from a place of LOVE. From this place, we innately know what our body, soul and mind needs in every single moment.
Back in January, I walked into my first ever “yoga for healing body image workshop”. I had no idea what to expect, no idea what I would take away. All I knew was that I needed to be there, so I showed up.
In one of the first sessions I shared a fear, through tearful eyes “But what if I don’t make the right decision for myself? What if I choose to eat the ‘wrong’ thing? What if I just keep getting fatter?” The response, “So…what if you get fat?” “What are you so scared of Alana?” That day, I left with this looming question… what am I so scared of…? For weeks I couldn’t answer this, I wrote a journal entry… but ultimately I never found an answer. Not a real one anyway. What I found were layers and layers of “surface fears” of “what ifs” What if I get gain more weight? What if people talk about/judge/criticize me? What if I eat this hamburger and …? What if I stop exercising? What if I make all the wrong food choices? Life choices? Career choices? It was a never-ending merry go round of second guessing myself, and it was tiring and scary.
During the last session, the question was asked, “What was the overall thing you took away from this workshop?” I found myself staying quiet, mulling over the answer in my head. No matter which direction I took my thoughts, the same phrase kept coming up “From a place of LOVE… From a place of LOVE…”. I never shared this with the group, and at the time I didn’t know why…but as I sit down now to write this piece, I realize that I was holding back from a place of FEAR. Ironic, I know.
Finally it started to click in brain, there will always be a ‘what if?’ More importantly, I realized that if I kept making all my decisions based in fear, I would NEVER be enough of anything. Unfortunately, these days, I think we live in a culture that fosters fear and doubt, judgment, comparison and criticism. Especially when it comes to female body image. We are manipulated to feel like we need to reach outward for the answers in fad diets, exercise routines, fat burning pills… you name it, I’m sure it’s being marketed somewhere. I am finally beginning to realize and accept that these ‘answers’ lie within me AND within all of YOU.
I used to think that I wasn’t making the ‘right’ decision unless it led to me loosing weight, or getting faster, fitter, stronger, smarter or more productive. I was so fearful of what would happen if I didn’t do these things. Without fail, these decisions ALWAYS led to burnout, fatigue and ultimately disappointment in myself. Now, with the help of many wise souls and deep soul searching, I can truly say that I am comfortable. I no longer weigh myself because it doesn’t matter. So what if I gain weight? So what if I lose weight? So what if I eat that cheesecake? As long as I am making decisions for my body from a place of LOVE, I know it is the right thing to do in that very moment, and it might change the next day or week or year and that is great too. I have finally come to the realization that, no matter what, it is always better to make decisions from a place of LOVE. From this place, we innately know what our body, soul and mind needs in every single moment.